Ugh… once upon a time, life was easier. I took each day for what it was, and never really thought really hard about the future. Horoscopes and psychics were late night infomercials and parts of the paper. I’d check them out for fun, laughs, and maybe a little hopefulness. I always found them clever, mysteriously worded, and honestly a bit silly.

               Then something crazy happened and I started to believe, I met Jaimie Rae…

            Now my life is filled with the things I once thought were nonsense. I am constantly checking my horoscope whether on my Google desktop thing at work every morning; or on the Astrology Zone Premier app on my Blackberry. And needless to say when there is a newspaper or celebrity gossip mag lying around, I can’t help but check.

            Now, some of you may be wondering or think I am unfair to say this all started when I became friends with Jaimie… but you obviously don’t know her very well. Astrology is a passion of hers, maybe even deeper… I might toy with the word, obsession. And me, being who I am, I love to hear things that people are passionate about. Whether it is music, creepy hand puppets, literature, their children, etc. – it’s all about the passion behind it. So I listened, every time, and became very aware of these things. And curious enough to take a deeper look. So now here I am, after dipping my toe into the world of wonder and predictions I find myself on the daily hunt for them. And even worse, I started to believe in them.

  This leads me to my haunting…

            On my BB app, my monthly horoscope reads:

 This won’t be an easy month, so you will have to find ways to give yourself regular time for rest and relaxation.

            Hmmm I could handle stress as long as I have relaxation… not too bad so far.

 A number of dramatic planetary aspects will come up in a very small period at mid-month.

            Oy, this doesn’t sound too appealing seeing my birthday is the 18^th.

 A full moon in my relationship sector will start on the 4^th. And it’s simply bent on making the state of the relationship more obvious. That a possible engagement or big news is on my way.

            Whaaaat?! No thanks. Not any time soon.

 That the most troubled times are the 14-23^rd, And Saturn will oppose Uranus.

            Okay so the dates suck, my birthday is right in the middle. But Saturn opposing Uranus doesn’t sound all that bad.

 That the 2 planets will schedule several confrontations.

            Confrontations are definitely not what I want for my birthday! Not at all! Maybe a nice dinner, some cake, possibly a…pony???

 Now here’s the kicker to my fear…

 September 17 (the day before my birthday) is being predicted by my amazingly tell-all hand held psychic, as the hardest day of the year for me. That all events will be depressing and jarring, forcing me to stay on my toes.

            On my fucking toes!? On MY birthday??? No thanks, I want to be face down, snuggled into my bed, passed the fuck out from way too much partying!

 So after 5 more pages of terrifying birthday month news, I now believe the universe is out to get me. It’s haunted. Fucking haunted. Doomed to be a disaster now that I know what lies ahead. Jaimie never told me how to change my horoscope! Maybe I should stop looking, crack a couple beers and try to forget what I have learned.

I definitely don’t want an UN-happy birthday.